Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever think somebody taking 2,473 pictures of themselves EVERYDAY and posting it on facebook is a lil overkill?

   When someone says, “…please don't take this the wrong way, but…” Prepare to be judged by someone who wishes to judge you, but doesn't want to feel like an ass about it….

   Today's Harry Houdini's 137th Birthday. Here's to you  Harry, and thank you for proving that (with great stage presence) we too can escape death while chained and shackled, upside-down in a shark tank, and while blindfolded.

   Nuevo censo fuera dice que 1 de 6 estadounidenses son hispanos. Me parece un poco difícil de creer. Feliz el jueves todos!

   At work, when you don't know what to do, just walk fast and look worried.

   She was like the apple God warned Adam and Eve about

   I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.

   I just love waking up in the middle of the night to realize I still have time to sleep before work

   It is scientifically proven that a woman can be satisfied with only 8.5cm..........And it doesn't matter if the card is Visa or MasterCard.

   Success woke me up, Motivation made me Breakfast, Destiny gave me my Agenda and the Lord gave me his Blessings:-)

   WHO'S GUILTY HERE?... A wife is dreaming, wakes up and shouts "Quick...my husband's home!" Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

   A "Friends with benefits" in reality is telling you to your face that you're good enough to f*ck, but not good enough to invest feelings in!

   If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription!

   has realized there is no Popcorn in Popcorn Chicken. Guess there is no sense in trying the Hash Brown either then!

   A keyring is a handy little gadget that let's you lose all your keys at once

   nt it strange how hot sexy women always drive cute little car? Which reminds me the m.o.t due on the wife's transit

   dont forget to party like Rebecca black tomorow

   There's a fine line between OBLIVION and PLAIN STUPIDITY.

   My girlfriend told me how shaving her before sex could be quite a turn on and give for a much smoother experience. She was wrong though, I found her bald head more of a turn off.

   When I was at school I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six were.