Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just read that birth control pills can prevent acne. Coincidentally when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control.

   One night my wife said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'

   I had to use a payphone the other day and when I put the receiver to my ear, it was like there was jelly on it. Well that's what it tasted like.

   The last men's softball team I was on was awful, so I changed our name halfway through the season to ‘Off Constantly', so when the other teams won they could say they beat Off Constantly.

   Think I'll take up smoking just so I'll get more breaks at work.

   I wonder why I never see wine racks that are built to hold the good stuff.... you know, the box wine? Oh well, I guess as long as they hold 20 bottles of Boone's Farm

   Just conquered Super Mario Brothers without using any warp zones. I'm the man.

   I think it's possible that Hitler and Lewis Black had the same acting coach.

   spring cleaning time. while your at it get rid of those people who are only bringin you down and taking up space in your life..

   Telling someone with depression to "just snap out of it" is like telling a blind person to "just look harder"

   somethings are better left unsaid..that's usually about the time my verbal filter shuts down and I blurt it out anyway!!

   ‎"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

   Learned that smiling suppresses the gag reflex...and some people wonder why I smile so much around them!

   Sometimes I wake up cranky.....other times I let her sleep.

   After the 2.2 magnitude earthquake in Blackpool, a huge crack has appeared on the promenade. The Tourist Board are said to be delighted that Jordan has decided to take a holiday there.

   on reflection... I'm glad I decided not to go through with My April Fools' Day prank with Airport Security yesterday

   Have you ever looked up the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? A hand comes out of the page and slaps you across the face

   Following the death of Eddie Stobart the other day, a film is being made of his life. It looks good, I've seen the trailer!

   going to win the lotterey tonight...no sorry, got that wrong! Going to have sex with my wife. I get them confused as the odds are pretty much the same

   I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.