Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was listening to you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question...

   has a blind date tonight.... Hoping she likes the smell of chloroform.

   If sex is the food of love then masturbation must be the snacks between meals.

   Man this haterade tastes nasty! How can so many people drink this?!

   For me to go insane would be such a slight change that I don't think anybody would notice...

   Cha cha cha cha ......... kah kah kah kah kah ............... cha cha cha cha cha ............... kah kah kah kah kah! Mrs. Voorhees the original psycho mom!

   Big shout out to Jason Voorhees! Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight with a lot of love making....Be there or be square!!

   Rebecca Black - "its friiday, friiday" *Jason Voorhees walks in stabs her in the face and goes home* yeah, Friday the 13th.

   It's Friday the 13th! Want to get lucky?

   I smash mirrors, walk under ladders, spill salt & cross paths with black cats. Be afraid... be very, very afraid, its Friday the 13th!!!

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer today.

   When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.

   3 girls step on a magic rug that makes you dissapear if you tell a lie. Brunette: I think I'm the prettiest girl in school *poof* Red-head: I think I'm the most popular girl in school *poof* Blonde: I think- *poof*

   it safe for white folks to say the n word while doing karaoke ?

   pulled over by a cop today, he said: "papers".. so I said: "scissors, I win"

   Do not confuse: 'Patching up things with your girlfriend' and 'Repairing the leaks in your blow-up-dolls"

   I saw the new Limited Edition Divorce Barbie on ebay tonight, it comes with all Ken's stuff!

   had Homemade Lasagna tonight. The neighbors went to the store and left their back door open

   The recession is so bad, just today I saw a polygamist with only one wife, got a pre-declined credit card in the mail, and watched a truckload of Americans sneaking across the border into Mexico.

   A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills