Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to go into diners and quietly start conversations with strangers about eggs and the apocalypse.

   Was once told by a farmer that thongs are like barb-wire fence. It protects the property without blocking a great view.

   The Count from Sesame Street had OCD, right?

   I got a funny cigarette and a $2 bottle of wine and a beautiful blonde with me tonight!! Life can't get no sweeter!!

   Hopes that the Gay community is enjoying all the free media attention...with the flooding in Manitoba I haven't heard the word "Dykes" used so much since last years Gay Pride week .

   I molested myself last night, I said no, but I knew I wanted it

   Rosa Parks never called SHOTGUN!!

   hoping to be part of a wordless briefcase exchange someday.

   Whenever I need a moment to myself, I just go on MySpace.

   Life doesn't change. Only the people in it.

   Whenever I hear a woman say, "I dont need a man" ...all I hear is, "I cant get a man"

   Friends are like underwear.... Some crawl up your butt... Some snap under pressure... Some don't have the strength to hold you up... Some get a little twisted... Some are your favorite.Some are cheap & just plain nasty.And some actually do cover your butt

   Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?

   Dear Mario, I wested my childhood just to save your Girlfriend!

   Treat em like ladies - love em like lesbians!

   With the success of "Teen Mom" as well as "16 & Pregnant," MTV is proud to announce their new show "15 & F*cking."

   Tom's may provide shoes for poor kids in Africa but I provide jobs for kids in China by purchasing Nikes. I'm truly the better person.

   NOT FAT! I'M FESTIVELY PLUMP

   Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?

   Sarcasm - honesty's drunk uncle.