Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you begin a sentence with “Don't tell anybody, but...”, the person you're talking to has already thought about who to tell.

   I still think if people put "whats on their mind" and were honest... statistically the most popular status update would be "sex."

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

   Life is so much easier with a sense of humor.

   I've spent a small fortune on dog toys and the he's outside chewing on a cardboard box.

   says when a woman ask "what did you say?", she heard it, but she is giving you a 2nd chance to say it right

   when a woman ask "what did you say?", she heard it but she is giving you a 2nd change to say it right

   Apparently Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of..

   Ev1 says it's not the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean, well I ain't never seen no small ship make big waves!!

   I always ask myself WWJDD? (What Would Johnny Depp Do?) That seems to work for me.

   Thankfully, I don't suffer from homophobia. I do however, suffer from homophonia (irrational fear of words that sound the same but have different meanings).

   Dr. Jack Kevorkian can finally get those pesky patient opinion surveys filled out!

   I bought the new Kurt Cobain Bobble Head doll....but now the d@mn head keeps popping off it.....

   hanging up her spoon after a hard days s*it stiring.

   Why am I able to walk for miles with no problem, but as soon as I look for my house keys, I start doing the pee-pee dance?

   instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol"... laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.

   The sex is better when they don't belong to you.

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say "I don't know, lets yahoo it"....Sincerely Google

   Teach me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand.

   Trust is like an eraser, smaller after every new mistake