Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone was so quick to point out the obvious typo in my "Meating in the conference room" email.... until I pelted them with bologna.

   If you wake up with zits all over your face... you may be suffering from sleep acnea.

   When a guy says "forever" it means until the next girl he dates....

   Where there is a google, there is an answer!

   I would jump in front of train for you ♥ as long as its not moving :D

   Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them

   If the universe wanted me to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good

   You know.... I have gotten some really great bathroom decorating tips from Facebook.

   No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.

   I think Weiner's next press conference should be in a Brett Favre jersey....

   Best of luck to Ja Rule today as he enters Ja il.

   I bet it takes a female kangaroo forever to find anything in her pouch.

   ... and then confuse people into thinking it's the rest of your previous status update when it isn't.

   would like a minute of your time dear friends...I'm collecting them in order to create an extra hour for me to sleep!

   If life gave Lady Gaga lemons, she'd probably make an outfit out of them.

   What do you get if you cross pms with gps?.... A Bit-h that can find you!

   God please give me the power to walk away when another god wants to take your place!

   If you let people judge you, then how would you know what is your greatest limit?

   I didn't look so great today, but my simple hello with a smile made someone else feel really great.

   A hello to those that may think you are crazy is only a wake-up call to those living on the other side.