Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!

   I used to suffer from major blackouts. This one time,...I have no idea what happened.

   likes the video of james and wade mocking dirk...i also like the one where dirk mocks them...oh wait there aint one because they aint never around during this series!!!

   Choose your Facebook profile pic carefully. It'll be the one they use when you go missing

   you have permission to update my status to "is dead" when my time comes

   I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

   Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don't feel like doing.

   there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?

   You know the person on the other end of the phone is comfortable with you when you can hear the toilet flushing.....

   One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

   I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!

   Just learned that you're supposed to Urinate on a Jellyfish Sting and NOT on a Jelly Roll Stain.......Sorry Sir.

   95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home.

   What's the difference between Saturn and LeBron James? They're both big and full of gas, but at least Saturn has rings.

   im not a loser I'm just on the Z list of celebrities

   M̸o̸n̸, T̸u̸e̸s̸, W̸e̸d̸, T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸, Friday !!!!

   People kept telling me all day I looked hot!... Then I realized it was probably coz I was sweating like a pig in this frickin' heat...

   big story in the paper about a movie called Super 8. I must be getting old because I don't remember the first 7 movies of that series.

   If you don't have an iphone, well, you don't have an iphone! Oh yeah? And if you don't have a Droid X, well, you don't have flash player and adobe! Now, How do you like them apples?!?!

   Leonard B. Stern inventor of Mad Libs died yesterday of EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. He is survived by his lovely PLATYPUS, CLARABELLE and his 99 LAWN DARTS. He will truly be A DINOSAUR