Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank God it's the weekend'

   When I die, I want to be cremated regardless of cost... I feel like I've urned it.

   “When it Absowutewy, Positivewy has to be thewe ovewnight." ~ FuddEx

   I bet people don't even wear capes in Cape Town.

   Had a dream last night. I knew it was a dream immediately because the therapist agreed with me, the ex apologized, and I was wearing pants.

   I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.

   Today, I am reaching new heights, beating deadlines, achieving my goals without even being asked, staying committed & taking initiative. Today, I'm on leave!

   S.O.B.E.R. = Son on a B!tch, EVERTHING's REAL

   You ever notice how awful your face looks in public restrooms full of fluorescent lights? Every cut, scrap, scratch, scar, scab, zit, bump, blemish, and pimple you had all seem to come out at the same time.

   I know God doesn't make mistakes but I question some of the places he put hair on the human body.

   What would have happened if Libya's main export product was broccoli?

   when a phone,beeps,vibrates and flashes to tell you it is low on batteries its like a homeless person burning 50 $ bills to show you he's poor

   If you put a empty 40oz bottle to your ear , you can hear the ghetto .

   Selena Gomez was rushed to a local hospital suffering from nausea and a severe headache. .....She's probably been infected by Bieber fever....

   Ladies just cuz he locks his phone when he leaves the room doesn't mean hes cheatin...Now if he locks his phone...then takes the battery out...then moves the bookshelf which leads to an vault that he puts his phone in...Then ok maybe hes cheating

   When I was a kid I used to call my house after curfew wait for my mom to answer and say, 'I got it Mom' then hang up and stay out all night.

   Dear hackers, Until you break the great firewall of China, I'm not impressed.

   Have you heard of that brand new men's cologne that just came out called "Umpire"? It's for Foul Balls.

   "6 packs of smokes. A case of beer. 2 box's of condoms. A lotto ticket & $2.00 gas on pump 8" ... Now thats a friday night thats ready for a good time but aint going far!!

   Taking your little Kids on a vacation with you to Vegas, is the same as taking a blind man to look at christman lights .. Just sayin!