Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bacon strips for all meals of the day

   Woke up with a sore neck. It seems my memory foam has amnesia.

   After playing Call Of Duty online, I'm convinced that I would not last 10 seconds in a real war.

   I like you.You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

   i'm going to take a pic of my son and use age progression to see what he looks like at 16. I'll keep it in his room, and when he finally figures out its him, I'm gonna try and convince him he's a time traveler

   6 family members had a birthday this month and thanks to Facebook I knew that this year.

   Just witnessed a grown man run down an escalator the wrong way. Most embarrassing thing...it was my dad

   The word 'Microsoft' makes me think of chubby midgets

   When somebody sends me a 'k' text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you" so I make sure to correct them.

   3 things I've learned in school: Texting without looking, Sleeping without getting caught, TEAMWORK on tests

   Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   Wish Adam would have spent more than just a rib.....

   I love seeing the Australian news cause it's like they're from the future.

   Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I assume it's just waiting for the right moment.

   I'd be a great sports announcer because I'm really good at pointing out obvious sh*t and having incomprehensible conversations.

   Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.

   To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?

   I've been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   They really need to add a “download this song illegally” button on Pandora.

   NOTICE: Helen Waite is now in charge of my complaint department. SO if you have any complaints - please go to Helen Waite.