Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please, smart people, stop getting out of jury duty.

   I hope the penalty for providing false information to law enforcement officers includes sterilization.

   You may be an open book but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma

   Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos.

   Oh good, now we can SEE the years haven't been good to that person we haven't talked to since high school...thanks Mark!

   Tough times never last but tough people do

   That feeling you get when you know whats going to happen at the end of a scary movie but yet you still bite your nails through out the movie

   You may be an open book but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner macanations of my mind are an enigma

   If you cant dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bull$hit. -Abraham Lincoln

   I don't get the toilet seat issue that woman have. I won't put my naked butt on anything without looking at it first. Apparently some woman ar not so discriminating

   Damn white cars that look like cop cars! I just chugged my beer super fast for nothing

   Doing the old....how many woman have I slept with count....God I hate fractions

   The new ending to Harry Potter is lame. He says Abra Cadabra and Steve Miller reaches out and grabs Voldemort.

   Florida, you just want attention don't you? Casey Anthony, Tim Tebow, the election of 2000. Its always about you, isn't it?

   Always be positive! For example: I am positive that I hate Casey Anthony.

   I like to relive my single days when my wife gets home late by eating dinner standing over the sink.

   A fool is a wise man's ladder.

   If you don't define yourself for yourself, you will be crunched into other people's fantasies and abused till kingdom come.

   Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie

   Excuse me Casey Anthony, but OJ had the best murder trial of all time!!! - Kanye West