Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im so sick of my smartphone. If technology was up to me, we'd just now be getting around to the whistle thingy when a tea kettle gets hot.

   I always put eggs in a ziplock bag before I crack them open in case a chicken darts out.

   I like to do my ATM transactions in Spanish, ‘cause then it feels like a bigger deal when the money comes out.

   It's so hot I just saw a squirrel soaking his nuts in Gatorade!(get ur mind outta the gutter not those kinda nuts)

   It must be "National Beat Up Your Co-Worker Day" cause I've got the urge to walk across the hall and enjoy my holiday.

   im not saying I'm a badass, but I do play the wii without the straps

   It is so frigging hot I just saw a squirrel soaking his nuts in gatorade .

   about to give herself a Brazlian using duct tape and candle wax. This may hurt a bit...

   If I see one more picture of how many degrees your vehicle says it is outisde...

   Thinks its funny that cigarettes have a warning label on one side, and special offers on the other.

   What do you think it means if there's no fortune in your cookie?

   Take away all the vowels in "female" you get FML...

   I will start carrying “like” stickers and put them on people's forehead when they say something funny.

   This status update is from my friend Josiah. He's Amish and never really gets to give a status update : / "Hey, I'm good." ~ Josiah

   The only thing worse than having to sit through countless worthless commercials is remembering that you're watching a recorded program but not until after watching back to back menopause commercials.

   I need some time alone....Gonna go sign in to Myspace

   Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman

   ❒Single ❒Taking ✔Screw that it will only bring me down when I run from Zombies

   whenever you feel powerless, remember that just one single turd of yours can shut down an entire waterpark

   I officially give up...lol oh well I guess thats why god gave me hands and man made energizer batteries lol