Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that mini heart attack when you think you've lost something.

   Sitting on an active subwoofer is the closest I will ever get to any form of anal sex.

   will they change the genre of movie "2012" to comedy on 22nd Dec, 2012??

   It's so hot my ac is on energy saver but it hasn't gone off yet to save me energy. Smh. Money blowing out the window.

   Next time she wants to talk to me tell her I'm too busy & trying to get that damn knife out of my back

   Men think of sex every seven seconds..thats why I eat a corndog in six seconds... so things dont get weird

   anyone else addicted to Pawn Stars because they misrerad the title the first time they turned it on???

   I honestly believe Nancy Grace thinks she can bring Caylee back to life....that or is SHE the one making money off of a lil girl's death?? Think about it!

   Drinking; for those times where the most economical choice is a vacation that's close to home

   I'm a big fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars.

   I've had such a fantastic day, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

   when someone asks me "Hi, how r u?" my response is " High!! How r u?" they just don't seem to get it ;)

   The proper skirt length is at least 2 inches below your cellulite.

   I think I need a catch phrase after sex...Something like "You've just been blessed!!" or "And now you know...And knowing is half the battle!!" or my personal favorite "Shazaam!!"

   Im giving away dead batteries, they are free of charge!

   No matter how tough, hardcore, or badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you WILL answer it.

   "You can't have your cake and eat it too." - People who obviously don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake

   The TRUE pregnancy test is whether he'll stick around if it's positive.

   News casters trying to find snappy name for current heat wave - Some suggest calling it: Summer

   I'm watching for anyone complaining about the heat. I will copy your post and save it for winter. Then I WILL paste it to your profile with WHO IS HOT NOW when you are buried snow. OH you know who you are!