Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity, don't screw the opportunity.

   In life, never look down on anybody, unless you are getting a lovely view of the cleavage!!!

   Add Amy Winehouse's Blackberry Messenger Pin: 0V3RD053

   infomercials have taught me that no one can do anything right if its done in black and white. Do things in color, problem solved.

   Baseball is so boring now. Bring back the Steroids!!

   I always watch the credits at the end of a movie just to see if there's a chance I got drunk and stumbled onto the set.

   If at first you don't succeed, I'm still waiting for you...

   the creepiest thing is meeting someone new and adding them on facebook, only to find they are already on youre facebook.

   Watching Conan O'Brian and thinking he should hire some of us as staff writers.

   If you're gonna order a salad with ham, raisins, peanuts, croutons & extra ranch, just order a freaking sandwich.

   My mother called Information. While I'm sitting here with my laptop, she called Information. Even the Amish dont call information anymore

   Fine dont text me back then. Its not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything

   Weddings in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.

   Old: Can I buy you a drink? New : I'll give you fourteen dollars for your phone number.

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting

   welfare and/or food stamps with no intentions of ever working; and 535 useless people in the U.S. House and Senate. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer!!

   When I'm rich, I'm going to dictate my status updates to my secretary, and my butler will press that share button.

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting we

   Went to Wendy's the other day, after seeing their new dollar menu, I have to ask "Where's the Beef"?????

   Im still waiting for customer service but Ive exhausted all my dance moves to their hold music, now damn what?