Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!

   I think the Eagles would sign Casey Anthony to a contract if they could......

   I miss those 16.9 oz glass soda bottles this time of year.

   I have seen a lot of women post on their Facebook about how they are missing their men, but I am yet to see a guy update his status about how much he is missing his woman. So my question is which men are these women missing?

   Wanted: Friend with benefit. I'm not selfish, you don't even have to enjoy it!

   Just watched a porn parody of Paranormal Activity. I was scared stiff.

   Dear Phone, Maybe if you didn`t light up and beep so many damn times telling me you had a low battery, you wouldn`t have run out of power so quickly!

   I'm sick of having to capitalize "I." Whoever made up that rule sucks!

   I wonder what it is that I did to get reincarnated as me.

   I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the sh!t out of.

   Do you think having a fifth of Jack means something different to a cannibal?

   It sucks that Saturday is so close to Monday. But Monday is far away from Saturday.

   In an emergency, I`d probably write a status about it before calling the police

   You know your getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

   At the Bar, going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home..

   the sky is so clear today ...Watch out for God will be seeing us in a very high resolution

   bets that in prison everyone's relationship status is set to "it's complicated".

   TIPS FOR SUCCESS WITH WOMEN: (1) Don't be ugly. Should you be Ugly, Dont be Broke!

   My action figure would come with action sold separately.

   My life's motto: "Live every week as if its shark week"