Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In hamster years I'm over 2000 years old. Not bad for a chain smoking sugar addict.

   Similar to Willy Wonka putting 5 golden tickets into bars of chocolate, Lays have started a new competition where they have placed 5 chips into their bags of air.

   The Pizza Delivery Guy said "Thank you" but his face said: "Porn really, really lied to me about what this job was like."

   Today MTV turns 30, and yes I'm old enough to remember when they played music videos

   MOM: “Why is there a condom in your purse?!” DAUGHTER: “I dunno. Would you be happier if you found a baby in my purse instead?”

   AhhhChooo!! If you are allergic to bulls**t, liars, head games, drama queens, two-faced fake people... Repost this and keep this sneeze going.

   I hate when I sleep on my arm by accident, and waking up in the middle of the night not being able to feel it

   It's funny how some people think they can fool me when I ignore their calls and they call me with a private number 5 minutes later. You really think I am that stupid? I know it's YOU.

   The only time I have a drinking problem is when I have to close my tab at the end of the night.

   Just an FYI no one wants to date a b1tch even if your good looking.

   I almost forgot what is was like to have a GF until the gps unit would not STFU when I pulled off the freeway to get more gas in the car.

   You can tell you have been on the road too long when you pull out the key fob that opens up your car doors and keep hitting the button trying to open the front door to the house.

   I'm only speeding because I really have to poop.

   The only words missing from the bible are once upon a time and happily ever after.

   Dont lie, this smiley pisses you off (-:

   Facebook's kinda like a prison. Sitting all alone in a room, writing on a wall, and getting poked by strangers all the time.

   I wouldn't say that she is a hoe, just that she makes hoe decisions

   I like to meet the parents drunk so they don't get the wrong idea of what kind of guy I am.

   Say this fast- { I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} *Like* if you get it

   Just so you know, if I were in shark infested water I would be ALL the way on the boat before removing my regulator and talking to the camera.