Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." - Jason Jones

   I hate using an air freshener I really like in the bathroom. Cuz after awhile, no matter where you use it, its always gonna smell like sh!t.

   King Obama is not incompetent, he's brilliant. He is purposely overwhelming the U.S. economy to creat systemic failure, economic crises and social choas. There by destroying capitalism and our country from with in!!!! Pure and simple...

   Q. What is the real purpose of FOREPLAY? A. To make sure it's REALLY a woman.

   I wasn't that drunk. "Dude, you walked into Wal-Mart and when the voice came on the intercom, you dropped on to your knees and screamed, “GOD HAS SPOKEN”

   no matter how odd the chances are for a villain in a fight, they always show up

   the hardest part of working in a restaurant is how your throat hurts after spitting in all those orders

   my friend is dating a chinese billionare, his name is Cha Ching

   Note to self: Lets keep those intimate times to ourselves..

   I guess I will call this little 9 song playlist "The Night I Got Drunk and Decided World Music was Awesome"

   I think the world of you! (Polluted, poor, generally prone to disaster.)

   Don't be alarmed if you see a man with his arm up a horses a$$ in Amish Country, He's just their mechanic

   Being faithful to your boyfriend or girlfriend should be common sense. But there is always that one retard that did not get the memo.

   Ghetto word of the day: HOTEL. My momma said she ain't gonna tell Shaqueta nothing else cause that hotel every thang she hears.

   A journey of ten feet begins with a single “Where the #%!= is the remote?”

   Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.

   If you're a dude writing *hides* or *crying* on your messages, I am going to assume you are the kind that like it in the butt.

   has enough wiper wash for 78 butterflies, after that I'm screwed!

   I don't think I will ever be mature enough to keep from laughing everytime I see a shake-weight commercial.

   Seems like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.