Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

   Fat chances are my favorite chances

   I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.

   I’ve noticed many people are much more attractive wearing a mask.

   If I use my stimulus money to buy baby chickens, does this mean we got money for nothing and chicks for free? ‬

   Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

   Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

   Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

   Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon. Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL Doctor:

   If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

   Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

   My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

   They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

   I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

   “No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk. So y

   Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

   I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

   I wish they'd open bowling alleys back up. We trailer trash need something to do too, you know.

   I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

   So,...about these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what? How exactly does it work?