Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...

   Sometimes I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb

   My white privilege was me working 2 jobs to put myself thru the cheapest public university I could attend...

   Hope Charlie Daniels wins that fiddle of gold. 🎻 R.I.P.

   CNN just asked Joe Biden when he was going to pick a running mate, He told them he thought he already had.

   Municipal Government: Try to stay home Provincial Government: Try to stay home Federal Government: Try to stay home My boss: See you tomorrow

   My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.

   The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet

   Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

   Hear me out: Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper. This is where we’re at, people.

   A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example: I ate Julie’s sandwich. I ate Julie’s colon.

   I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

   Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

   Caveman 1: Tell me a story. Caveman 2: Once upon a time…. Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

   Son: Your makeup looks weird Me: I’m not wearing any

   Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

   “I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.

   Don’t forget to thank a teacher... for their part in creating an entire generation of uneducated, privileged, clueless wannabe social media celebrities with zero work ethic.