Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this morning Bieber was on the Today show doing a concert in the rain...does that kid ever wear his rain coat?...sure would have prevented that pregnancy

   Girls can't teabag... it's called teacupping.

   If I ome to your house, I'd appreciate it if you tell me which furniture you've had sex on before I sit down. Thanks. y

   P.E.T.A. says that turkeys are now so fat, they can't stand up. They're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating.Oh wait, I'm sorry. That's what the turkeys say about Americans.

   thankful for all the god given breasts that he put on so many beautiful woman.

   Leaf blowing while wearing leaf-pattern camouflage. Makes them think I'm one of them, so they won't get suspicious!

   Canadians are Eh' Holes

   I was voted most likely to travel back in time by the class of 2047

   Helpless romantic seeks filthy wh@re.

   I bet The Kardashians' have a ton of leftover white meat on Thanksgiving.

   I don't have an attitude problem, but I do have a solution. Go f**k yourself.

   just saw about 20 turkeys meandering on the side of the road. Pretty ballsy to be so flagrantly open the day before Thanksgiving in a recession.

   Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

   Can you imagine Augustus-flavored chocolate-coated Gloop? Ew. No one would buy it

   You and your fat girlfriend standing next to each other looking like the number 10

   The tampon aisle... also known as No Man's Land.

   Think inside the box. The best ideas happen during sex.

   Thanksgiving Dinner at the Kardashians is no different than any other day of the year, the girls only want dark meat.

   There are some people I would just like to high-five. In the face. With a tack.

   Great love makes us capable of great courage. Like getting married & giving someone half your sh*t.