Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different. I thought she meant the gym. I wondered why my cereal tasted funny

   No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

   The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

   I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if I'm swallowing them whole

   To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

   My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

   Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   I say Back to work. Do strippers say Back to Twerk?

   with school starting back tomorrow, don't forget to thank the bus driver #Fortnite

   The gender reveal device that started those fires in California must've said the kid was gonna be a flamer.

   Fact Checkers didn't exist until the truth started to get out.

   I replaced se× with food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   Okay. So they can make fake meat out of plants. Try really impressing us and make a watermelon out of a London Broil.

   I applied for a job at Bed Bath & Beyond. They put me in the Beyond department.

   price doesn't always equal quality. A 50 dollar hooker works harder than 250 dollar hooker.

   How did I miss national procrastination day on March 25th? oh wait I know, I haven't been on facebook.

   HAPPY PROCRASTINATION DAY! which was actually March 25th but I'm just getting around to it.

   Modern technology now has a camera with a shutter speed so fast, it can capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.