Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is sperm white!!????? Because if it was black it wouldn't be able to swim

   Sam Adams is the only reason I know what season it is.

   Ladies, want to test your man's love and devotion? Need to know if your man is commited to you're relationship? Ask him to add a line on his Cell Phone account...nothing says love and commitment like a 2 year contract! ;-)

   It doesn't matter what it is. It's automatically cool if it Glows in the dark.

   As I was watching the Lion King, I thought to myself .... So its ok for a monkey to hold a baby over a ledge, but when Micheal Jackson did it, all of a sudden there was a problem.

   When you live in the country as I do, the term "prosecuted" translates to "shot".

   I'm going to try and say this te nicest way possible. wait I better hold my tounge when I say .... "FQ!"

   Molasses is surprisingly tasty,,,, However, I have to admit,,, I have never actually tried any other parts of a mole yet,,so,,,,,,

   This just in: President Obama calls for Iran to return the lost predator drone. Iran replies, "Not until the spy pilot emerges and faces us for his treachery."

   Time heals everything...except bad tattoos.

   Dad: “A little bird tells me you are doing drugs” Son: “You're talking to birds and I'm the one doing drugs?”

   Hey big girls: One size fits all on lingerie is just a misleading marketing ploy. Now they got you looking like a trapped seal in a fishnet.

   Mitt Romney proposed to bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. Or as its known in Republican circles, pocket change. Or 2 ½ hookers.

   Going to the stores and hiding nuggets of weed in nutcracker mouths is how I like to unleash social entropy during this time of year.

   Ho, Ho, Ho!" - Santa Claus doing a naughty girl head count.

   Anybody else having trouble finding a Tebow jersey small enough to fit on their light-up baby Jesus?

   There is a big difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking to stay warm, and HR needs to learn that difference.

   Threesomes get super-awkward when the third person wakes up.

   My Roomba has seen too much.

   To all the merchants trying to make a buck off of Christmas...Go elf yourself!