Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.

   Nothing says 'I hope you choke on this and die' like the gift of a fruitcake

   Just got back from my high school Football coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off".

   The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.

   Status update: Still Lower middle class hoping to become Lower upper class but wishing I was Upper upper class.

   Dear Santa, I didn't want to make it too hard for you this year, so, the only thing on my list this year is 1 year paid leave from work. with bonus

   How do you keep a blonde occupied for a few hours? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

   That akward moment when you don't really like your crush. You like the imaginary version of them which you created in your head.

   If you smile in a Walmart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.

   Sure I'll quit Facebook. Just as soon as someone teaches my 'real life' friends to be as funny and cool as my 'fake' Facebook friends!

   At the end of job interviews I always ask, "On a scale of 8-10, how amazing was I?"

   The world's oldest profession? Unemployment.

   I would take a bullet for my wife, unless it was fired out of a gun.

   How do I politely tell a new guy at work that “I do the jokes around here”?

   Google "do a barrel roll" (look at the screen while typing)

   If your lawyer has a ponytail or a cowboy hat, you're a$$ is going to jail.

   =+(:) <--- stewie griffin

   In 1911, Dracula fed himself 16 year old virgin girls' blood. He died of hunger in 2011.

   2011: Every day I'm shuffling. 1836: Each and every riseth of the sun I will be moving thy feet in a whimsical manner.

   That special feeling of joy when a baby grabs your finger with their whole hand.