Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Anti-Christ came to my Christmas party and turned all the wine into water. Hate that guy.

   Considering that not one of those Three Wise Men bothered to bring a crib or diapers for Baby Jesus, they should simply be known as 3 Dudes.

   I've come to the realization that LL Cool J's momma is a real trouble maker

   Won a $50 gift card to Chili's at Christmas raffle. In other news, decided my secret santa is getting a $14.37 gift card to Chili's for Christmas.

   Dear inventor of the spork: I am fully prepared to have my mind blown again, whenever you're ready.

   I thought you had a moment of holiday cheer come over you. It was gas, you are disgusting.

   It ain't over until Adele sings.

   Sometimes I take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car.

   Frankincense: an aromatic resin used since ancient times in religious rites. Do not confuse with Frankincense's Monster, an affront to God.

   New drinking game: Watch the Republican debates. Every time someone says "Ronald Reagan", take a shot. You will get HAMMERED.

   I Remember one christmas when I woke up to see my mom helping santa with his zipper.. jolly old santa.

   ‎"My fingers smell like cheeseburger" is a statement that is bound to confuse others unless prefaced with a statement about having just eaten a cheeseburger. Otherwise, they just look at you like you're dirty.

   Ugghhh ! I literaly just saw a chicken cross the road in front of my car,,, and FORGOT to stop and ask him why......... (Stupid,stupid,stupid,me)

   Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, look at phone, check Facebook…  

   Your breath smells so bad, I don't know whether to give you a tic tac or toilet paper…

   Never trust a woman who takes pictures from the neck up.

   V@gina jokes are not funny at all. Period.

   On the 5th day of Christmas? Christmas is ONE day. Convert to Judaism if you need a longer holiday.

   The next Mission Impossible movie should be two hours of Tom Cruise trying not to jump onto a couch after drinking seven Red Bulls.

   I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee