Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae. It comes with whipped cream and a note that says "Do not resuscitate."

   f Oxygen was discovered in 1772.... what did people breathe before then?

   Old groupies never die. Their pussies merely dry up and wither away.

   As a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got Facebook.

   If humans are involved, the propensity for disaster exists.

   I tried to find powdered eggs for a camping trip. None to be found anywhere. I found out powdered chickens are on strike.

   I'm not giving you the middle finger; I'm showing half of a peace sign.

   The more I study the differences between the Beatles as a group vs their solo careers, the more I realize that the Beatles as a group could have been easily named the George Martin Project.

   Air Poland is now Air Jetski.

   A friend: Here's a picture of me when I was youMy friend: Here's a picture of me when I was younger. Me: All pictures of you are when you were younger.nger. Me: All pictures of you are when you were younger.

   Robocop is just a Terminator that hunts minorities.. And dogs

   Missus Beasley gaema hat!

   He's Trump, not Moses. He can't part waters. Blaming him for the Texas flooding is complete nonsense.

   Why are you all still shooting off fireworks? It's July 8th for crying out loud! One of them flew off course and almost hit my Christmas tree!

   My idea of camping is a Motel 6 with a broken ice machine and no cable.

   If casual sex exists that implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   A fun Independence Day depends on your number of dependents.

   "Diddy be giddy cause he be founded not gitty!" - The Ghost of Johnnie Cochran

   I had White Castle for dinner tonight. It was so good my butt gave them a big blowout review.

   Panties aren't the best thing in the world. But they're next to it.