Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   EVER HAVE TO POOP SO BAD, YOU PEE SECOND ?

   I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.

   The universe noticed a big pile of used, dirty rags in its laundry room. Instead of washing them, it put them on social media as narcissistic women.

   I don't care how old I get. If I'm in a store and I see a toy with "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons.

   A lot of women complain that their husband never listens. I'm very proud to say, I've never heard my wife say that.

   Can someone update me on what's offensive today? It's hard to keep up.

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go?" Well, we showed them.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

   Roast beef curtains

   If you're arguing loudly on your phone in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.

   Have you ever had a crowd cheer after you've been kicked out of a store?

   I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kid's meals are $250.00.

   I have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data.

   I need a scary movie that's gonna make me paranoid for the rest of my life.

   Things I hate: Gross pay - $2,257. Net pay - $1,138.

   "If you don't stop picking at that thing it'll never heal." -Sound medical advice or an insult to a banjo player

   Nothing brings neighbors together quite like cop cars in front of another neighbor's house.

   What do I do all day long? Sometimes, it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   The Hippo beat Grippo.

   Guys, when a woman is angry, just tell her she is overreacting. She'll realize you're right and then she'll calm right down.