Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I cancelled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice

   I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.

   Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.

   By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live.

   Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

   In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer

   Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...

   If you drop a cookie on the floor and bend down to pick it up does that count as a squat?

   "Welcome to my man cave". Proctologist: "Please stop calling it that"

   Went on a date last night and after it was over she said “Thank you for wearing a mask.” Honesty wasn’t sure how to take that. 😐

   Another problem with being ugly is people think you can fight

   I would probably be in a gang right now if I could stay up past 10pm.

   If you’re careful, you can eat an entire rack of ribs while taking a shower.

   That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

   When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.

   We’re finally out of lockdown!!! Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary sh*t.

   I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

   I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

   ‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.