Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm fine with it raining cats and dogs as long as it doesn't reindeer

   Trying to get in shape for all those people I'm not having sex with.

   I've got 99 problems so I metaphorically placed each one in a luft balloon and then started slamming beers on the wall.

   There has to be a way to combine Full Metal Jousting and driving. Bet I wouldn't get cut off anymore.

   Im hungrier than 4 biggest loser contestants stuck in an elevator wearing honeybun scented cologne!

   My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   nobody likes a stalker. it's what this chick was saying as I read her lips through my binoculars

   There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon

   Just Googled "Chris Brown" and now I have a black eye.

   Don't make fun of a fat man with a lisp. He is probably thick and tired of it

   I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

   Starting a dating site for people who just want someone to take a walk with after a big meal.

   Dear Nerf, Table legs hurt! Fix that. Sincerely, Stubbed Toe

   Three skiers kiled in an avalanche today... meanwhile in my living room me and my beer remain totally safe.

   Wow... My boyfriend deleted me off Facebook last night.. I was single and didnt even know it!

   ME: Wanna go out with me? GIRL: I have a boyfriend. Me: I have a test tomorrow. GIRL: And? ME: Sorry, I thought we were naming things we could cheat on

   She stole my heart so I told her to keep it. Thats not the part I'm going to be needng to bang all her friends with anyway.

   My kids call themselves changing their rooms around. All they did was move the t.v

   FACT: Some people will steal your stuff and then help you look for it.