Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   bert: I want a divorce wife: are u… bert: don’t wife: *holding in laughter* are you sherbert?

   My daughter just found the dog leash and collar Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

   Threesome? No, thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.

   I put the thingamajig in the whatchamacallit and turned doohickey and wuteveritis still doesn't work. Any ideas?

   The season is upon us and I personally enjoy a nice port wine for dessert. However sometimes a starboard wine is the right choice.

   has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

   when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

   Did you know the word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every English dictionary?

   Adding a few Barbie limbs to the dead bugs in a porchlight is a fun way to tell guests they should’ve left before dark.

   Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal? Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

   Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

   Saw the fattest Dalmation ever on my way home from the supermarket yesterday. It was huge & had these teats that were almost touching the ground & it made a weird bark, like "moo"

   I run into more potential dates at thrift stores, yard sales and estate sales than I do at the bar. In a way it kinda makes sense. I'm like a used piece of furniture from the past. I've been used but I'm still good as new.

   If Clifford the Big Red Dog was a cat, we'd all be dead.

   If you don't make it in Hip Hop, there's always IHOP.

   The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

   I'm not an alcoholic I'm just always down to drink. Huge difference 😭

   Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

   DON’T CLICK on the quiz titled “What kind of plumbing device prevents the unwanted flow of liquid or gas?” It’s a trap!

   Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.