Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

   I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

   App: This app would like to use your location. Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

   I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

   I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

   Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner. Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

   I was conceived at a Pink Floyd concert, and while I’ve gone on with my life, my parents are still there waiting for them to finish playing Dark Side of the Moon.

   Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

   subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

   Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign? Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

   Okay, I've decided to come clean. The reason I sit at the kids' table on Thanksgiving is just so I can hide the green bean casserole under my grandson's plate.

   The good old days are in the past, yet the memories are alive in the present.

   Do men ever make a Honey-Do list for their wives? Write a bunch of things for her to do on a piece of paper, hand it to her and say "Here, get this stuff done." Let me know how that works out for you.

   People under the age of 30 have never listened to a record, so if you say "I don't want to sound like a broken record," they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means.

   2020 is what happens when you mix tarot cards with cards against humanity.

   Believe in God like y’all believe in that Toilet paper and y’all will be Ok..🤧

   For all my friends that have had to work from home since the lockdowns I bet you haven't once reheated fish in your own home.

   Your mindset is everything. You can have it all and still be unhappy, or you can have nothing and still manage to be happy.

   Penicillin led to the decline of western syphilization.

   Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk