Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Which wine pairs best with Spicy chicken Ramen ?

   wow, already December? Time flies when you've been drunk since March

   Don't drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back...

   Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please

   I vote for Chinx getting the vaccine last.

   This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

   *feeling chest pain* probably need more pie

   I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

   My Mom finally brought my Dad’s urn into the living room and placed it on the mantle. It caught everyone a little off guard including my Dad who was just sitting there watching Duck Dynasty.

   Me to my son: "Hey, look at this article. It says, 'Vaccines are ready to roll, thanks to beeyotch." My son: "That word is 'biotech', dad."

   thank you all for donating to my gofundme to pay for my surgery; I have decided to buy 600 playstations with the money

   Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

   I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.

   Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

   Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio

   You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters

   The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

   It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child