Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance

   why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

   My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

   Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

   A woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a hot day. Full of eggs and appealing for only a short time.

   Can’t believe we gave up hunting and gathering to pay rent.

   Never blame someone for the road you're on.. It's your own asphalt.

   The rest of the world is watching America like America watched Tiger King.

   We need to stop looking at our country in terms of right and left, yet instead focus on right and wrong.

   Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

   I bought a new Jacuzzi without consulting my wife first. Now I'm in hot water.

   When they washed your brain did they press it after words?

   If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

   Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

   There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.

   It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

   [6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

   I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions. Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

   i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

   My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger?