Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the air hostess stops smiling and sits down, then you know it's about to go down.

   If you play a Ke$ha song backwards, you hear messages from Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you hear Ke$ha.

   "F%&k da haters, imma do me, these b!tches aint real I'm the realest b!tch" - Every Ghetto Chick On Facebook

   Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.

   HOORAY HOORAY the 1st of May,outdoor screwing starts today!

   Snakes are just tails with faces...

   To be completely honest, you should know that I am a compulsive liar.

   Everyones first attempt at a passionate kiss looks like a mule trying to eat a sugar cube through a split rail fence.

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for shit to happen.

   I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"

   Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

   Mowed the yard today and threw my clippings in the neighbors yard........ #SuburbanThugLife*

   Guys that can pass for pregnant shouldn't be allowed to take their shirt off in public.

   I was going to pull over and let the dogs drive for a little while; but they've already had a few drinks.

   I hope my memory foam mattress doesn't remember everything...

   I keep my head held high because I know there's a beautiful deaf, mute & blind woman out there that's going to find me irresistible one day

   98% of Facebook is women telling each other how great they look.

   Two weeks 'til America's Got Talent. Judges: A has been radio jock. An unfunny comedian. And a woman who's husband would have never advanced on this show.

   I have a dead friend on my Facebook. Is it wrong that I send her game requests so I can get credits?

   I think I'm going to start taking steroids. I don't care about muscles, I just want to be able to cross my legs more comfortably.