Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Confidence is maturbating with the lights on...blinds open...and the door unlocked.

   I hope her spirit animal is a spread eagle.

   It's fun to confuse people by using common sense.

   if you want to make me nervous, tell me that you love me.

   Being poor is never a reason to hate the rich. You can learn from them, wish & try to be like them, but envy means you have a rotten soul.

   I hate when I can't find a decent status update to steal.

   I think I'm falling in tolerate with you.

   Hi welcome to sex with me, I'll be sweating on you and crying for the next 45 minutes

   You can find true happiness inside yourself! Haha, almost had you. I'll meet you at the liquor store.

   #Why #is #the #latest #trend #to #abuse #the "#" #symbol #in #a #status? #English #teachers #have #Twitter #to #thank #for #this! #######

   This Ramen tastes like unemployment

   Don't ever change for anyone. Nothing is worth compromising your beliefs. Unless it's for money.

   I've regretted being nice way more times than I've regretted being a douchebag.

   I don't hate you! I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank...

   I just masturbated without crying afterwards. Who's emotionally unstable now, SUSAN??

   thanks to my typo I posted "Had a good first date last night. I licked her alot." I won't be getting a second date.

   It has been brought to my attention that the stick figures on soccer mom vans are actually NOT pedestrian "kill" scores and are actually meant to represent family members. I will remove mine immediately to avoid any further confusion.

   I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.

   I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.

   Ladies, if you unnaturally alter your appearance so drastically it's all one sees, don't be shocked when you attract the shallowest of men.