Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This $600 causing problems already. My cousin drove by here real slow. And I only owe him $8...tf

   Hope all of you who received a book from me for Christmas thoroughly enjoy them! Oh and don't forget they need to be back the library by the 30th.

   I celebrated 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions.

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Prefer to do socially distance exchange and will place in front of house for you pickup. Leave money in neighbor's mailbox.

   I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

   Lysol kills 99.9% of germs, yet you’re still here.

   Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing? Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

   Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

   I received my first unsolicited goat pic. Not kidding.

   Looks like Ossoff found those 11,000 votes Trump was looking for...

   Sometimes you have throw away perfectly good printer paper to hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

   I just let a stinky one rip and my wife said, "Jeeziz, you just took me to Funkytown."

   You think your week sucks? Tanya Roberts died twice!

   In the summer it was to hot outside now it's to cold outside to take the Christmas lights down.

   Facebook: Where content takes a back seat to cleavage.

   Everyone freaking about how 2021 sounds like 2020 won. . . Well 2022 is gonna sound like 2020 too.

   I imagine after the pandemic when people start socializing again Facebook is going to be about as popular as Myspace.

   Bubba Wallace's garage door pull was investigated more than election fraud.

   Just found a document that says all of our restrictions have been lifted! It’s pretty old though, it’s dated 1776.

   I'm a thirsty guy who digs your timeline pics. I love you and I'd do anything to meet you, although I've never seen you post anything with your pics that would lead me to believe you possess even the slightest semblance of a brain.