Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a hot day. Full of eggs and appealing for only a short time.

   Can’t believe we gave up hunting and gathering to pay rent.

   Never blame someone for the road you're on.. It's your own asphalt.

   The rest of the world is watching America like America watched Tiger King.

   We need to stop looking at our country in terms of right and left, yet instead focus on right and wrong.

   Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

   I bought a new Jacuzzi without consulting my wife first. Now I'm in hot water.

   When they washed your brain did they press it after words?

   If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

   Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

   There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.

   It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

   [6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

   I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions. Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

   i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

   My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger?

   Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

   Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

   My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to put it in its place. So, I looked at it and said, Don’t forget that you’re only a towel, and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

   My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.