Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know why we just don't take a bunch of nukes and level the middle east and those towel heads once and for all

   I feel a tele-thon coming on. Ben Affleck get your guys ready..

   The Boston Marathon explosion is a terrible tragedy, but what bugs me is all the stupid FB people sitting eating doritos now postinf stupid candle photos and thoughts and prayer crap, get off your butts and make it a safer world

   getting half a D is better than getting no D

   CNN:" No Kenyan athletes injured in the Boston explosion" those guys are already home CNN

   I hate when a guy fingers me and texts his girlfriend at the same time. I always get the weaker hand.

   Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

   there's a difference between a country girl and some slut with a hat

   I can never invite the neighbors into my house because they might recognize their stuff.

   RECYCLING RULE 101: if no one saw what clothes you were wearing today, its totally fine to wear them again tomorrow.

   it's so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.

   "I had one stuffy nostril and one runny nostril..." is how I'm starting tonights suicide note

   Perpetually looking for things I misplaced.

   "I know, baby, I'm lonley too" I whiper to the no show sock as we search for its mate.

   The wind just blew a plactic bag away from me at this table and down the sidewalk. "That one's on you, Mother Earth."

   Pollen? Web MD says I have Funky Cold Medina.

   Just made up my own personal yoga pose called "Downward Life Spiral".

   Your girlfriend will blow you once she sees her sister do it.

   Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

   I bet John Lennon would have loved online transactions. Imagine all the PayPal...