Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nice try, New Testament. The only things that can die and come back to life are zombies and Robert Downey’s acting career.

   Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.

   Stupid mornings with their stupid Sun and stupid fresh air and stupid innocent laughter of schoolchildren.

   about as useful as a dollar store pregnancy test........but I'm trying to stay positive about it...

   I just changed my relationship status from "left hand" to "right hand"...

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm just waiting for you to talk to me first.

   I have no adult supervision today and there is a peanut butter pie in the fridge...this will not end well.

   Spell check is for the week.

   I'm looking to make some extra beer money so I'm painting these ibuprofen blue

   We want to find them so we can give them a big hug, american style!

   The Constitution wins everytime Obama says, "This was a pretty shameful day in Washington for the government"

   So when Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook did he say "Let there be likes"?

   Sometimes after I try to parallel park, I'll just get out and stand with my hands on my hips like a relief pitcher who just blew a save.

   I ain't sayin she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke white guy who's afraid to finish the rest of this lyric.

   "Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.

   I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.

   Guys need super powers. Girls have boobs.

   Nothing makes me go from zero to Hitler faster than someone touching my phone.

   If pizza was a person, it would win the Nobel Peace Prize every year.

   The only thing that makes marriage different from being on death row is that married people wish they were dead.