Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working

   My generation's zombies didn't run. They walked. Uphill. In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.

   So Amanda Knox kills an innocent girl and she is now a media darling just because she spent a couple of years in an Italian jail. Whats wrong with this world really?

   Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+

   I hate people who feel they are entitled to certain things just because they are different.

   If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

   Cactuses are just angry pickles.

   There's always a window of opportunity in your room for improvement.

   The ironic part about killing time is that it's slowly killing you.

   I'm too old to die young, so I have that going for me.

   I'm tired after a long day of getting out of bed.

   I don't use the self-checkout lane, but I am looking forward to the fill-your-own-prescription stations.

   My gym membership is just a fitted sheet.

   We get it, you're a proud lesbian. Nice haircut.

   A cat ran into the freeway and caused a pile up... Some how this was Obama's Fault - Fox News

   I coulda sworn Kobe came out of the closet years ago.

   Officer You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my cell phone.

   Jason Collins needs a bubble bath

   This status is dedicated to all the pretty girls and the ugly ones too cause to me your pretty anyway baby.

   i dont care if my teammates are straight or gay, as long as they dont listen to Nickelback...