Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An eye for an eye leaves the whole world with a lot of pirates and cyclops.

   Everyone needs a nice pair of boobs to soap up in the shower, their own or someone else's.

   When a man pats a woman on the ass it's just a friendly way to say "Hi". That, and he wants to bang it like a screen door in a tornado.

   Men! If you don't sleep with them, they never call...if you do sleep with them, they never call. You may as well get a good f**k out of the deal.

   what f#cking idiot named them jet-skis instead of boatercycles

   In Japan, the title "Jersey Shore" translates into "Macaroni Rascals"

   Then satan said, "Put the alphabet in math"

   The foods that prison inmates eat are more nutritious than the food in school cafeterias......Just let that sink in for a bit.

   Sometimes I consider myself a badass then I remember the most dangerous thing I've done today was sneeze while driving.

   I’m glad men don’t wear skirts, I imagine how much shorter they would be when we had erections.

   Ever just apologize for no reason whatsoever? No? It must be nice being single.

   Bacon is natures way of making up for Monday mornings.

   If 40 is the new 30, then Monday is the new Friday.

   It's like Batman didn't even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.

   On a scale from 1 to dyslexic, how 10 am I?

   Happy Mothers Day!..Thank You Dad for not Pulling Out!

   I kinda just had kids to have somebody to watch cartoons with.

   Dear car dealerships; whoever told you we like shouting commercials lied...

   When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.

   Baby cows all over the world fear for their Mothers as McDonalds gears up for the next Monopoly game.