Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It was so cute when you called me last night... LOL JK, don`t you ever interrupt my sleep again.

   Too many Hood guys not enough Good guys.

   I've written "sorry about your cat" on WAY too many personal checks.

   Last night I lied in bed, looking at the stars & thought..... Where in the heck did my ceiling go..

   I'm not anti-religion, I'm pro-reality.

   We as a species want what we can't have and ignore the really great things sitting right in front of us I'm massaging my nipples right now!

   The size of a woman's earrings is directly proportionate to the amount of butt stuff she'll do.

   Baby, I would like to enjoy my time with you, so shut the hell up.

   David Beckham is retiring at the end of this season. Girls everywhere are shocked with this news, saying "Wait, he was a footballer?!"

   I become the Usain Bolt of eating every time I'm sharing pizza.

   If I were the judge at the Samsung & Apple trial I'd say "Let's be honest, both of you stole these ideas from Nokia" & we'd have a laugh.

   The more you cry, the less you have to pee.

   The guy who said "It's better to have loved and lost" never accidentally washed his jeans wit his weed still in his pocket

   Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.

   If Downward Doggystyle counts, then yes, I do yoga.

   Baby name suggestions for Beyonce & Jay-Z: Red Vine? Yellow Daisy? Green Grass? Pink Pansy?

   Men, if you think you've figured women out, just try to explain how the song "You're So Vein" isn't about him...

   Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question

   Everyone I know is either pregnant or married and it makes me wish...I could find a decent drinking buddy to replace all you sellouts

   No one will ever love you as much as your dog loves your stinky feet