Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishes there was a way to donate fat like you can donate blood!

   My life coach just asked me to leave because apparently she has "other pedicures to do" and doesn't "speak English"!

   Sometimes when I get lonely I lie on Facebook and tell everyone to text me cuz I lost my phone.

   Can't even think about a cop yelling "SPREAD 'EM!" without a confetti cannon going off in my panties.

   JAB, LMAO, Justine* Bieber wants to be taken seriously, Seriously ha ha ha. . .

   I wish the bags under my eyes had weed in them.

   I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no f*cking money in there.

   I'm always nice to the new guy at work, because you can make bank on the show "Undercover Boss"

   I have feigned outrage over feigned outrage.

   For my wedding anniversary I wanted to make my wife feel special. So I gave her a helmet, some goggles, an egg beater, and a pack of fruit flavoured crayons.

   Some days feel like abandon your life and join the French Foreign Legion kind of days.

   Physician: One who can form complete sentences.

   To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential.

   Physician -One upon whom we set our hopes when I'll and our dogs when well.

   has pants that say Snickers on them because they are packed with nuts and they always satisfy.

   Shout out to all the Amish people reading this status..........................BUSTED

   I lay nude daily in my back yard just in case Google Earth decides to update.

   There's more to Alcohol than life!!!

   Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things on a regular basis.