Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.

   I actually Luke autocorrect

   Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   If your girlfriend doesn’t like that bi&ch, you don’t talk to that bi&ch.

   I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together.

   It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.

   That moment when you realize you can’t ignore someones message on Facebook anymore because it shows that you’ve read it.

   he original Nintendo is proof that better graphics doesn’t mean a better game.

   I believe success,, is making it in and out of a public restroom without touching anything.

   A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS.... Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.

   I wonder how many Canadian marriages resulted from not knowing how to end the conversation due to extreme politeness.

   I am so lazy that I legitimately get angry when I have to change from the alphabet to numbers to symbol keyboards when typing a tweet

   I'm on the "I love food more than I love exercise but I love naps more than I love food" diet.

   Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?

   Please drink responsibly this weekend and don't drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won't leave the house! ... Good talk!

   Stand next to a guy using a public urinal...Stare at him...Wait until he looks at you.Look in his eyes and say "Don't make this weird, bro."

   I'll wait, gain your trust and strike when you least expect it by taking the leftover beer I brought, home with me.

   There's no "i" in ignorant.

   Bert and Ernie are a perfect closeted TV couple. You are not sure they are gay, but you can't prove they aren't.

   I just ran like a little b*tch from a skunk in my yard and dropped my man card, if anyone finds it…please return it to me. Thanks.