Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.

   Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls

   My new pick-up line: "I have a full tank of gas!"

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already!

   Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for 'Old Spice'?

   If you Google the words 'Zerg Rush'...google will Eat the screen.

   My Crocs say I'm always down for a good time but my fanny pack lets you know I'm prepared for anything.

   When I can't fall asleep, instead of counting sheep, I count all the people I have disappointed.

   I want to start a new liquor company and call it "Responsibly". Free advertising since all liquor companies advise you to drink it, and you don't need to feel guilt because you're drinking Responsibly!

   You're not damaged goods, but there is a clearance sticker on your back

   The problem with the general public is that it's made up of people.

   Why don't the post office get the Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.

   We fear that which we do not understand. And spiders.

   I'm confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?

   Look, I don’t even trust myself so explain to me why in the hell I should trust you?

   Unless your name is OXYGEN, I won't die if you ever leave me.

   This bar is the perfect rest stop during the long walk home from the liquor store.

   sarc my second favorite asm

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children’s Tylenol.

   If love had a smell, it would smell like pizza & puppy breath.