Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to think the first line in the Australian national anthem was "Australians all eat ostriches" but then realised, it would make more sense if it was emus

   Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming

   Whenever I want a Klondike bar I just pay for it

   When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think “They’re killing my family, and I’ll have to fight the attacker naked…”

   Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.

   I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me.

   Obviously this cat thinks I won't punch a cat

   Wanted GF. A girl with good cooking skills and a jet ski, please show pic of jet ski.

   We cannot allow gays to get married, it would threaten the sanctity of our high divorce rate.

   We should cease calling them ski masks, because really only robbers wear them.

   I’ll be eating a dozen donuts throughout today to celebrate the National Donut Day, or as I call it, “every other day”

   You know....I once dated an amputee....She single-handedly changed my life.

   Beware the OCD Mafia - They're into REALLY organized crime

   I love pillow talk as much as the next guy but saying "Put your needle in my haystack" isn't exactly a confidence builder.

   There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar

   If you think my relationships are unhealthy.... You should see my diet.

   Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

   Advice is sh*t you'd tell your friends but never do yourself.

   It is Scientifically proven that you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blow job

   I can't tell if the vegetarians upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.