Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore... That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

   Started from the bottom now I'm even lower!!

   If your coffee order has more instructions than an ikea bunk bed then you're probably an a$$hole.

   Rooney to move to arsenal? With that face, arsenal must be really willing to give up that beautiful football.

   I will never understand why women are okay with being called pumpkin.

   Devil: Let’s pee in a bottle. Demon: Then what? Devil: We sell it to humans. Demon: But what will we call it? Devil: Oh I know, Whiskey.

   How about more Bieber jokes being posted?-said no one ever

   I can unstrap a bra using one hand, so if you ever have a problem deciding whether to cut the blue or red wire on a bomb, I’m your guy.

   Fat people need to accept that being fat isn’t a crime. It’s not a disease. And being called fat isn’t an insult.

   It’s a good thing cows can’t talk. Imagine them telling you at every available opportunity that they are vegans.

   My friend from Nakuru just called me & told me he's in hospital. Apparently he fell off a Yamaha. Why they ride keyboards there is beyond me.

   "Hand wash only" clothing in a man's closet stands for "wear 3 times and then throw away."

   I dont know whats more annoying, hot chicks who won't shut up about how ugly they are or ugly girls who won't shut up about how hot they are.

   G ay guys and black women win the eye rolling contest!

   I may not be great at math but your lies just don't add up.

   I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.

   Faith by definition is: "Believing in things without evidence", but personally I don't do that..... because I'm not an idiot.

   WOW Justin Bieber has signed up to fly into space!.... On an unrelated subject... Does anyone know how to sabotage a spaceflight?

   To feel more relaxed I go to my job interviews naked. I tell the guy "just picture me in a three piece suit and you'll feel less nervous."

   Got hit by a pitch at the batting cage today so I charged the machine.