Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't always drink and drive, but when I do, I make sure the kids are strapped safely in their car seats. That's called responsible parenting ツ

   From the moment I saw you, I wanted 2 be inside You, The way you smell, The way your tongue feels, The way you tighten n loosen.....Gotta love new sneakers.

   happy Kim and Kanye are together, at least only one family is ruined.

   SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild........

   The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.

   And if he winds up being a switch hitter..he'll be known as: North Bi North West....well sorta.

   I do not like racism of any kind. It's disrespectful to all the coloreds.

   Police reports state that Aaron Hernandez is claiming Bill Belichick instructed him to destroy the surveillance tapes

   So I'm assuming that North West won't be a One Direction fan?

   Summer officially checked in at 1:04 am. For Floridians, it also clocked in at 1:04 am. Back in April.

   someone said "Kim Kardashian has given birth to a compass"

   I'm kind of disappointed.. North isn't really a good name for a stripper.

   Kim n kanye should name their kid 'KiIlevry" .. .. KiIlevry Kardashian has a nice ring too it

   8:30am and it already feels like the longest day of the year.

   When my brother ran away, we moved his stick figure to the other side of the minivan's back window.

   COWORKER: Got a minute?.... ME: Sigh,,,, (Puts "Days Without Being Annoyed By Idiots" sign on desk to 0) Sure,,, What's up?

   Kitchen utensil theft...................... it's not worth the whisk.

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The guy that wrote the script for "Gremlins" originally meant it as a documentary about having kids

   yes is official- Kanye West has lost his mind!!..he has named his daughter...what for it......NORTH.

   Albertans living near High River experiencing unexpected flood. Seriously? You live on High River and a flood is a surprise? In related news residents of Hell unprepared for latest heat wave.