Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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A man is incomplete until a woman comes in his life. After that.he is finished! 
Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
I'm so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Nik Wallenda just walked across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope with no net. I made banana pudding whilst three sheets to the wind and didn't burn the kitchen down. Your move, Nik.
Nick Wallenda would never fail a sobriety test.... WOW!!
Facebook status from God: Sorry rest of World...junior and I can't help you right now...we are busy helping some loon cross the Grand Canyon on a piece of floss
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. That means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Hopefully the guy on the Skywire doesn't have to sneeze anytime soon.. Looks Dusty
I got 99 problems and walking over the Grand Canyon isn't one of them, # Insane.
This driving test is going terribly.
If I had a Burrito Supreme for every time this stupid toilet got plugged up… I probably wouldn't have a plugged up toilet ツ
"Kimye" calling their kid north west. in related news alicia keys naming her baby wherearemycar keys
No, Alicia Keys loves her piano, so her baby will be named Piano Keys ;)
Condoms aren't safe at all. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it's wide, use 3 fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down.....Yup! That's how you wash a cup.
I've got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I've also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Kim & Kanye naming their daughter North West is like Alicia Keys naming her child Car... Car Keys.
Every neck tattoo should just say, 'I owe back child support.'
Hey people going to church, the gym or eating plants; Please keep it to yourself and stop telling us about it all the time. 