Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm an inventor. I invent all kinds of sh*t. But some people call it lying...

   My liver is so black from all this smoking that it talks during the entire movie.

   Today I had to ask myself "What would Jesus do?" because he just got deported and I have no idea how to cut my own lawn.

   I just found a whisker in my general tso chicken

   So let me get this straight (pun intended), I have to travel to California to marry Ryan Gosling?!

   When I see someone texting and walking, I sometimes purposely vier over and bump into them.

   The next couple of years are going to rock for wedding crashing!

   If your Facebook picture is a car or your kids I automatically assume you're fat.

   Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is pretty pumped he can legally marry his cell mate.

   Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."

   I've just heard the tragic news about Taylor Swift. My heart is broken for her and her family. Sending them all my thoughts and prayers. She hasn't died, she's just making more music.

   With the right person, every inappropriate thing becomes appropriate.

   A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

   Friendship isn’t about being there when it’s convenient, it’s about being there when it’s not.

   I haven't rubbed one out in a week. Anyone have a bucket I can borrow??

   My husband gets so confused when I say yes to sex, you'd think I changed the location of his food bowl.

   Our inner demons would get along wonderfully.

   Love with no expectations in return and you will know how to love yourself more than anyone could in this screwed up world.

   Kanye West's album Yeesuz sold 327,000 copies in its first week. I Recorded my dog barking at the mailman and 1st week sales were 400,000 copies. Take that Kanye!!!