Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand stalking an ex following them everywhere they go. You got hurt. Grow up and deal with it as an adult. Have sex with one of their friends or create a fake facebook account. This is 2013, get with the times.

   God dammit Obama. Quit sneaking into my house hiding the TV remote. Go back to destroying Merica and leave me alone.

   God is a spaghetti monster. It all makes sense now. Hey everybody I'm Atheist now!

   A Real Man Shows His Love To His Woman Daily. He Needs No Special Occasions, Holidays Or Her Birthday, He Just Spontaneously Does Things

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do... Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   To find a prince, you're supposed to kiss a frog. Not screw the whole pond....

   Never let failure get to your heart and never let success get to your head.

   You can never be happy if you’re trapped in the past and fearful of the future. Living in the present is the only way to be happy.

   Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later this collection of mistakes, called experience, leads us to success.

   I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I've been hurt but I'm alive. I'm human, I'm not perfect but I'm thankful.

   Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a lesson that strengthens the person you will become.

   Don't cry over the past, it's gone. Don't stress about the future, it hasn't arrived. Live in the present and make the most of it.

   Whyyyyyyy would you kill anybody if you play in the NFL... Ok, well maybe yourself if you played for the Jaguars or Cowboys!

   Aaron Hernandez will go to prison as tight-end and come out as a wide-receiver.

   Breaking News: George Lucas marries longtime girlfriend... Finds out later she is his sister.

   I miss those days when sex was safe and sports cars were dangerous.

   Men are from Mars,, Women are from Venus,, Then gays are definely from ???

   After losing Gronkowski to injury and Hernandez for murder, I heard Tom Brady is ecstatic that Tim Tebow will be handling the duty of "tight end" next season. ツ

   Edward Snowden: Provides evidence that the government is spying on us......Government charges him for spying...

   In other news, Paula Deen has come forward with the statement in regards to the DI heard Paula Deen said she's "real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."DOMA ruling: "real excited for the fags, especially the colored ones."