Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.

   Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!..

   You can't say you support gay marriages without being gay yourself. You are just a closet gay in serious denial.

   I wish people could listen to me when I say listening is just a waste of time

   Eminem made a better Superman than Nolan.

   I remember yesterday like it was......................what is today's date again?

   think I'm going to start plagiarizing myself.....wonder if I will get caught.

   V I think the Supreme Court and most government officials went to the same summer camp

   I only support gay marriage because I am afraid to deal with what happened to me at summercamp....but I am straight

   as a proud bully, I am tired of being picked on and harassed by these antibully people.

   eating chilidogs in bed is a bad idea....dropped some....i don't know how to explain this at the laundrymat, let alone if my roommate walks by and sees me eating this off of my sheets.

   I glued a beer bottle cap to my watch so that whenever I look at it, I know it's time to drink.

   I've gotten to the point where breathing makes me sweat. Then the exertion of sweating makes me sweat.

   "What I want is to do is combine the laziness of cooking at home with the high price of eating out!" - The inventor of the Wedge Salad

   Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't awesome. THAT would be scary.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4,000 times?

   I wish people would just listen to my advice. I have invested many years f*cking shlt up so you don't have to.

   I bought a box with those 100 calories snack portions. Apparently, I'm a 600 calorie guy...

   Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Where I'm going, if I'll fall in love, what I want in life... Then I pull up my pants and flush the toilet.

   Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you.