Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watched a guy exit a mini van wearing a West Coast Choppers t-shirt. WTF.

   A man trying to get sex is like a cat trying to get food. They’re never more affectionate or persistent and once you give in, they don't need you anymore.

   I love earth, except the people on it.

   I wish I loved anything as much as some of you love to criticize & attack each other.

   Girls, when you wear too much make-up you’re basically just saying.. “I’m not happy with my looks”

   I make mistakes to further my education.

   Don't take anything here too seriously, including your feelings.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to f*ck with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single day

   There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

   Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.

   My mom always told me alcohol was the enemy, the bible says Love your enemy. Case Closed

   Sorry I pee peed all over your bathroom, but my Shakira ringtone came on and my hips reacted naturally.

   I've never seen a bar I couldn't lower.

   If it is irrational, dangerous and psychologically damaging, call me and let's go for it.

   At this point, people still invite me to things bc they want to see how creative my excuse will be for not going.

   You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break.

   Fool me once, shame on me. Wait no, it’s shame on you. I think. Anyways, next time I’m gonna stab you.......... a lot.

   Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?

   Whenever I select "Next day delivery" for an online purchase, I imagine all these people running around yelling, "Code Red. Code Red!!" and scurrying like crazy.

   Never trust a man who takes selfies